Adventures of the Dance Pants

I recently (like a month ago) acquired some new pants. They are the exact same kind of Levi's that my sister wears, which is very good because it means they have some room for da butt and look very cool.

Anyway, because of the excellent fit, I wore them dancing this past Friday to a gay dance party at this bar/club space called the Someday Lounge. To celebrate Sam's return to Portland, we got very drunk, put on some fab grandmother-ish big shouldered shirts and set out to have a big gay dance night of fun. Which it was, but there were some unexpected elements that were thrown in that I will now tell you all about:

1) While waiting for the MAX right by our house, a short black man approaches us and asks for a lighter. Kelly obliges him, thrilled to actually have a lighter to offer. This prompts him to invite himself along with us dancing. I reveal to this man that we are in fact going to a gay dance night, at which point he looks over me, Sam, Kim and Kelly and asks, "you are all gay?"

2) Simultaneously, another man, Jonathan, comes up. He is white with shaggy hair and is wearing a jean jacket. He mumbles some awkward phrases. Then, out of nowhere, goes "you smoke pot." He is primarily ignored.

3) The first man introduces himself as Hasan. He would like to come gay dancing. "But you know some people who are bisexual aren't liked by gays," he says and we agree that sometimes that happens, but it counts for us.

4) The MAX comes. We all get on and Jonathan mumbles his pot line again and very conspicuously shows off his bag of pot. Hasan asks if we smoke pot and I mention that we have preceeded him. I'm not sure this is a word, but he gets the point and I probably sound very confident saying the word. So Hasan gives the guy like 5 dollars and pockets the nug. Hasan asks if we'll hang out with him at this place and I say if he dances.

5) As we're getting off the MAX Hasan somehow convinces some guy with a bike to come along with us. I don't notice this until all of a sudden a man with a bike and beanie is trotting along side us. We all go into the lounge. And EVERYONE dances. At this point shaggy hair is lost. But Hasan breaks out the moves. Even Beanie Head dances. And Nikki bounces off the walls, for Nikki. There are balloons and good music and what is referred to as a"mixed" group of gays, which I only recently have begun to think of as boys and girls together.

6) Both Hasan and Beanie reveal to Kim separately that they would like to meet a man.

7) Things are going smoothly when all of a sudden Beanie knocks Kim's drink in her face while trying to swat at the balloon passing by. Kim screams. Mostly because she's surprised but Beanie thinks she's mad and goes to buy her a new drink. Kim runs upstairs to the bathroom to clean her drink off her face.

8) Both Beanie and Hasan want to know how Kim is getting home. Everybody else is dancing. There is a drag queen singing something while some regular looking girls with cliched tattooes take off too much clothing too quickly. Hasan wants to know the last time Kim as been with a man, okay well how about a black man, well okay how about a black man who is named Hasan? Gotcha. Beanie is willing to buy Kim more drinks. Kim makes Hasan leave to try to catch the MAX back to Beaverton.

9) Some kind of contest ensues. This requires dykes to come on stage and tell why they are hot and answer some basic questions from the MC. None of the dykes can think of anything they like to do except "doin' it" and "eating pussy." All of us, as dykes, and even the fags, are embarrassed for all dykes.

10) We share a cab home with some gay boys who are plotting aloud to steal our cab from us as I am getting into the cab. "Let's just get in and they won't notice," the loudmouthed one says and I invite them to come in when we realize we're both going to North Portland. The boy in the front seat won't put on his seatbelt so there is an obnoxious beep-beep, beep-beep every minute or so. The other boy is disappointed that there was so much pussy at this party and wants to know "where is all the dick." They are nice. We eat and go to bed.

At the Desk of the Career Counselor

Many of us have had a hard time finding a job recently and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered if now is the time to go back to school. While I was researching cosmetology schools in Virginia yesterday (for my web writing job) I came across this blurb on the home page of a cosmetology school website. It occurred to me that my life could be much, much worse, but that perhaps it could also be greatly improved with a cosmetology degree. In Virginia.

Fantastic Sam’s,Manassas, VA -
“Before I started at Heritage, I had never completed anything in my life. I dropped out of high school and married a man who abused me and left me with nothing. I was hospitalized with severe depression. With the encouragement of the teachers and staff at Heritage, I was able to stay the course and graduate. Now I have a rewarding career working with a wonderful group of supportive people.”

Wendi Hull
Heritage Cosmetology Graduate

Toast Poll Wrap-Up

Well, toast is everyone's favorite food even if they don't know it. Because it's highly versatile and it's a great excuse to eat anything you want on it. People might not otherwise condone eating, for example, massive amounts of butter for one, but also preserves. Somehow it's a breakfast food when you mix a ton of sugar in with fruit and put it on toast, though any other means of eating it and you pretty much have a dessert.

Anyway, the results of the poll show that avocado was the most popular, followed closely by cheese and the cinnamon/sugar combo. I was surprised by the avocado, not because of the flavor (its utterly buttery deliciousness rules) but because I didn't know it was such a staple. This is something that I only began doing last year because I saw Sam do it. But I feel great knowing that there are alternative toast toppers out there. As a side note, I recently ate some brown rice with avocado mixed in with a bit-o Nancy's cottage cheese (which if you haven't had it, has live cultures and lends a yogurty tang) and the combo was satisfying in both flavor and texture.

In closing, I was only slightly disappointed that cheese toast came in second. I eat one nearly everyday. There is the hearty white cheddar on wheat or the more luxurious toasted brie on sourdough. Clearly, cheese toast is not for everyone and is hardly the epitome of a healthy breakfast. But thanks everyone for participating in a poll on one of my favorite breakfast items.

For your enjoyment:

Chopstick Tournament

So I never made a post on my birthday bonanza which was a major success! Just a few comments because I will admit that the subject is getting a little old. Of course everyone looked great and had some hairy fur going on. But the unexpected form of entertainment of the night was putting together the travel chopsticks that my mom gave me for Christmas. This was a game of speed and precision. I took on several opponents in this test of true Asian intuition and, of course, blew everyone out of the water. I attribute my abilities not to previous knowledge of the chopstick design (with which my opponents were unfamiliar), but instead to my full Asian blood!! I took down the half-Asian (Maggie, Kim declined to take part) easily and actually, John was the only one who put up a decent fight. I don't like to brag, but seeing as this is merely a testament to the natural skills provided to me by my ethnic background, I'm just stating facts. You may be wondering about this since only half of my Asians use chopsticks, but you're forgetting that the other half are natural born engineers so obviously I have the advantage. Here is one match that Kim so aptly recorded (note the rousing rendition of Hava Nagila in the background as well as my fur yarmulke):

Leslie and the Lys Show

You are standing in a sparsely gathered crowd of sparkle sweater-wearing, spandex pant-toting, big-haired individuals and somehow the sequin clip-on earring you wore to spice things up feel like a pretty lame excuse for flair. On Wednesday, Nikki, Kim and I went to see Stereo Total and Leslie and the Lys at the Wonder Ballroom. My first thought upon entering the building was that I wasn't wearing enough gold lammé. And I was relieved. Because when I had been writing up this show for the newspaper, the confluence of two French-German electro weirdos (Stereo Total) and a rapping overweight Midwestern dance diva (Leslie Hall) was ripe for a hipster showdown. But these fans were pretty earnest about their love for gem sweaters and tight stretch pants; some even presented a sense of modesty about their attire.

In any case, there was a large amount of awesomeness that provoked many laughter outbursts from yours truly. Françoise Cactus from Stereo Total played a lovely kazoo song, which was both jazzy and beach rocky. I think more people should play the kazoo. In fact, I want a kazoo so that I can write my very own kazoo diddies that will sound a million times better than my keyboard songs. But anyway, she was this totally calm, almost frumpish (she had Kermit-esque expression) opposite to Brezel Göring, who is the embodiment of that skinny, long-hair mohawked, off-the-wall crazy European man in tight pants. Plus my favorite part was that I had no idea what they were saying the entire time and they had quite a bit of banter. I'm going to say that it was because of their accents, but they might just be huge weridos.

Leslie and the Lys also provided some priceless moments, like when the Lys were suspended by harnesses in a small rolling wardrobe-like bar structure and then had to sing and dance while trying to maintain balance in this tiny little structure. They also proved to be very good at dancing with massive tiger-head hats, a feat that I one day hope to achieve. Leslie herself was fabulous in her mock-Britney circus onsey and had lots of high kicks for the audience. I also enjoyed her heavy breathing into her head mic and total disregard for those around her when she really got into the dancing. BUT, I have to say that Nikki said Leslie was the best show she'd ever seen and I have a few criticism to publicly air here:

1) I wished they had prepped the show better. I didn't want to see them pressing the spacebar on the computer to stop and start video clips while they were on stage. There was a crew person standing in the back the whole time who could have done this for them. It would have added some magic and wonder to the performance, that is lost when you see how it's all done. Plus it felt all frantic with the running across the stage to stop the iTunes and looking up files on iTunes and the abrupt stopping and starting of beats. And as Kim aptly put it, it suddenly made you realize what you were watching: and that is three girls in ridiculous outfits doing their mostly rehearsed choreographed dances to raps that are funny as hell but that probably were funnier when they were stoned in their living room making up this show. BURN!

Well, actually that is my only criticism. And I make it sound like it wasn't extraordinarily fun, which is not true because it was. But I saw their potential and I know they can do better. I think they were just resting on their laurels because they looked out, saw those gemmed audience members and knew that they were already loved. But Kim did buy a cd and we've been nodding along to it today as we waste time on the interweb. Ah, the joys.