this is SERIOUS

Sophie and I are not a musical genius pair, but we know how to have a good time. We especially like reveling in our own creations. There will be a real video for this song someday, but until then, please enjoy our version of Gwen Stefani's "Serious."

Kamala's Guide for Life #1

I wrote this piece for a contest I didn't win (what?) and so I'm posting it here. I find it both wildly entertaining and extremely useful. Look for more columns to come.

How To Discuss Your Mundane Life So As To Lead Others To Believe It’s Actually Quite Exciting

1) Insinuate that everything you do is fun and interesting.
The fact is that most people get out of bed in the morning, have some semblance of breakfast and go to a sort of job. But these activities, for you, can be an adventure. Do not feel sheepish about mentioning the trail of ants that crawl across your bathroom floor, that you must be careful not to let into your underpants when you pee in the morning. Share with people the useless facts you’ve learned from staring, every morning as you take this pee, at the “Geography of the West Coast” poster tacked on the wall. Others will invariably wish they knew in which direction the Juan de Fuca Plate will move in the next hundred thousand years. “It could cause the reactivation of numerous dormant volcanoes in the Cascade range any day now,” you should casually relay. People tend to find volcanoes quite exciting and it’s this high level of excitement that greets you every morning.

2) Mention all of the people in your life.
Everything sounds much more exciting when it’s full of characters: friends, lovers, crushes, archenemies, despicable scammers, whomever. Much in the same way that three is a crowd, four can be a party and parties are very exciting. So when speaking about your weekend, the one spent on the couch watching TV with your boring family, simply turn it into a gathering: “Oh, well it had been ages so Lisa, Dan, Artie, Susan and I all got together for some live entertainment.” Throw in the names of pets if you want to emphasize that you have very alternative friends: “I just love Fang, what a diva.” Generally, using just first names gives people a celebrity appeal and implies that others should know who they are. They tend not to ask too many prying questions so as not to seem out of the loop and your celeb-filled life will shimmer with excitement.

3) Share some personal advice.
People with conventionally exciting lives are always regaling crowds with useless pieces of information that go something like this: “Next time you’re in Zambia, don’t get breakfast from the locals unless you’re prepared for a fishy experience, you know what I mean?” But you’ve also had some unique experiences that might even have some relevance to the lives of others in your vicinity. “Next time you’re handling chili peppers, be sure to wash your hands before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. That oil sure stings more than you’d think.” All of a sudden, those burning sensations you withstood in your mundane, nightly dinner preparation for one, transform into a humorous, exciting event. Insert a word or two on your successes in cooling the burns by sloppily applying yogurt to your face and other orifices, and you’ve got a truly exciting, valuable package of advice.

4) Allow others to believe that you have an active sex life.
There is no need to lie, but people are always looking to draw conclusions where they can, and there is no reason to stop them. If you’re looking particularly disheveled one morning due to an all-night, online Gossip Girl marathon, excuse yourself with: “You know it was just one of those nights where I couldn’t get enough.” Typically, others will assume you’re speaking of sex and will either drop the subject or ask for more. Which you can give them: “Sometimes I think it’s juvenile to be so hooked, but Serena (or your character of choice) just does it for me. I’d given up on blondes for good before she came around.” You can then ask the other person about their current sexual situation, which may lead back to #3, sharing some personal advice. On the excitement scale, few things trump sex, even if discussed only through innuendo.

5) Talk up your most outlandish plans and dreams.
Though you may currently spend several hours each day examining your leg stubble and summarizing the content of college and university websites for pay, what remains exciting is the idea that some day you may not. It doesn’t matter that you will, in fact, never be in a successful rock band called Lisa Loeb and the Bloody Nipple, or that you are far too lazy to complete that life-size sculpture of your mom in ground beef, or that your attempts to learn Dutch amount to one podcast entitled “Jan Loves You in Dutch.” The notion that you are an inspired person, a person with intentions who might go places, this breeds excitement. Confidently describe your ambition to build a boat from scratch and sail it to India, where you aim to end both domestic violence and hunger through song. The mere suggestion that you have considered such dreams, is guaranteed to dress up the most mundane of lives in colorful excitement.

Apartment Views

Being on the third floor, our apartment offers grand views of the neighborhood that are unparalleled. Just a normal morning at our place. This lady is trying to jog with her dog, I take it, but apparently it's just not working.

Lezzie Music Poll Wrap-up

According to my poll, it turns out Sarah Mclachlan is the biggest lesbian indicator of them all! More than even Lisa Loeb (whose mopey apartment video I sort of want to recreate) or Meredith Brooks (who got only 1 vote). I will admit that I'm surprised, but maybe this speaks more to the lovely lezzies who vote in my poll than anything else. Sam did mention that there could be a kind or rating system invovled, like, if you know all the words to all five songs (uhum, Maggie) then you've got a serious case of lesbian. Anyway, fun times.

For this week's poll...

Just so you can impress yourself by how many lyrics you DO know.

Ol' Sarah:


Alanis:


Torn:


Stay, Lisa:


Bitch!!!:

Most Popular Poll EVER!

I feel very good about the fact that 20 people voted in the music video accessory blog!! It has been integral to my vision for the Mariah Carey cover song/video that I intend to make sometime, when I'm not feeling so lazy. And it will obviously have to include Sophie in her lacy onesy. And perhaps I can dig up a lacy number or two from my past. I was horrified to come across this photo of myself (and that I posted??) on the facebook that, on second thought, might be perfect for this:

Haircut

Feeling ambitious and very long-haired, I decided it would be a good idea to borrow clippers from Walker and give myself a mohawk. Of course, with the assistance of my personal hairstylist. I have, for many months now, wanted a lightening bolt mohawk. I have even upon occasion spoken to professional hairstylists at Bishops about this desire. And with one exception they have all politely told me that it just can't really be done, that it won't look right. There was one time when a very nice woman did her best and outlined the interesting zig-zag on the back of my head with the edge of the electric razor, a job, that upon relfection, was done with extreme talent.

Anyhow, I remained undeterred. So we lopped off my hair, which is really fun, and did a mostly good job. You can't really tell what the hell is going on in the back, but it's short and hopefully won't grow into an atrocious mullet. I'm thinking I might make the top thinner so I don't look like a rectangle-head. If you are already bored from reading this, I don't blame you and I half-heartedly apoligize for my personal hair obessions.

Here is the flappy, zig-zag back:

Here is the bald spot mess up where I tried to do stripes. Might try that again:

Dinner Party

Sophie informed me on Sunday evening that we were having company over for dinner on Monday. Truth be told, I was a little knackered from my recent trip to Oberlin to visit my sister for her 21st birthday. But she had prepared the soup and brownies the day prior and it took little effort for me to prepare some broccoli au gratin and some salad materials. I found the dinner quite enjoyable. Paige and Meg brought over three large boxes of kitchen supplies that they no longer need and now I am in the position to cook all of the things that I never before imagined for my semi-adult life. Amy also brought some lovely Argentinian Malbec with a pretty label and I had picked out a Columbia Crest that did well for our dinner. But the real crown on the dinner was the Maker's Mark that sealed the deal and led to some episodes as this:















Amy does a little Magic Eye on the pillow and Sophie sings...

Halloween

Sophie as Waldo's Wife With Child:

















And myself as Beef Stew, inspired by Sam's video. What you don't see here is that I also had the opportunity to wear my poop brown puff coat out for real:



I ended up going to a fun party where I met a man dressed as a troll, a man dressed as his boss at his beer brewing job, a girl dressed as "A Lesbian" in a mechanic's jumpsuit and hung out with new friends. There are photos of that on the facebook. I also ate four butterfingers, two lollipops, a snickers and some chips. All in all, not bad.

To Help Visualize the Poll

Grendel's Mother:















Kool-Aid Man:


Mrs. Featherbottom...


...or Mrs. Doubtfire



Carrot Top:

Good Buys

It's not everyday that I find a pair of jeans that fit really well. I need space for large calves, butt and thighs as well as a low waist and a bit of coolness. I think I talked about his in an earlier post when I first bought my Levi's. Anyway, I've been wearing my Diva jeans from Old Navy that ML and I bought together pretty much everyday. Sometimes I switch to the Levi's and then wear those everyday but I was beginning to worry because most of my favorite pants eventually get crotch-wear and need to have Kim sew in a crotch-reinforcement.

So yesterday Sophie and I took the train to Old Navy so I could get a second pair of the exact same pants, which is admittedly kind of lame, but they didn't have any other colors that I really wanted. We also stumbled upon some great deal striped shirts and got matching designs in different colors. Hers will be making its debut in her Halloween costume, Waldo's Wife. "Why not just Waldo?" you might ask, as did I, and the obvious response: "Because I'm a girl, duh!" I hope to get some photos of that costume this weekend, but in the mean time, here is my new shirt, that I just love!

Raveonettes Show

Sophie and I went to see the Raveonettes play at the Metro in Chicago on Sunday. We got to stand at the top balcony, meaning that I got to see more than just the backs of people, which was really exciting. And did you know that Sharin Foo is 1/4 Chinese? I didn't. Anyway, rock-out show. In the beginning there was a man standing next to me who was texting the whole time and was kind of a downer. But then he was replaced by this wide couple who spent the whole time taking videos with their cameras and complaining that I was shaking the railing because I was stand-dancing. And then they were replaced by a WAY excited man who sang all the words and yelled "WOO!" a lot. I haven't really listened to their music since high school, so it was cool to see that they had evolved into this totally rock-out noise band. And the adorable man, Sune Rose Wagner, has a higher voice than the lady and that won me and Sophie over hardcore. So good times.

Sorority Row

Sophie and I ventured out into the cold last night to see this gem of a movie. The premise: five sorority sisters all engage in a prank to get one of the girls' brothers to believe that he killed has ex-girlfriend (also a sister) by slipping her too many roofies. In his panic, he actually kills her and they choose to dump her down a well shaft so as to not "ruin" their futures and the rest of their lives. Which is all fine until SOMEBODY comes back on their last night at the house and starts KILLING people!! It was beautiful. The "smart" girls wears glasses. The Asian girl is told that she makes the bitch feel "multicultural, without trying." The head bitch looks like she's 40. And Carrie Fisher is the house mother. AMAZING! Not to mention that the credits at the end of the movie, were themselves, worth watching. With character titles that include "bra-clad sister" or "stupid boy in hottub" or "half-naked sister on trampoline", they were almost as good as the movie.

Cheese Flavored Snack Poll Wrap-up

So as it turns out, cheese flavored snacks are a big deal among the blog readers. I should have known. Have I ever liked anyone who didn't like cheese? In any case, I'd like to let Nikki know that this current poll is specifically for her (you can pick multiple answers) and also that Maneka shouldn't feel slighted by the non-flamin' hot option because I think Flamin' Hot Cheetos don't actually taste like cheese, just delicious. I'm happy to do a hot snacks poll too.

In the end, I'm not surprised by the win-out of Cheez-Its because they have that salty, tangy, cheese flavor in a tiny, crispy biscuit. You can't beat that. Pirate Booty also is quite addictive with its real cheese flavor, but it can be easily squished in your backpack and sometimes smells funky. Anyway, I'm going to come up with some great Cheez-Its snack recipes and post them up here some day.

Cheese Snacks

A little something that demonstrates my healthy relationship with cheese flavored snacks.

Even Newer Moves

Well, I'm now living in Chicago and will have to find a new desk for myself. I've been using a table up in Sophie's attic where there is plenty of room and a nice big window that opens from the slanted ceiling. The breeze is light and the animal noises are charming. The primary drink served at this desk is water as the weather is quite warm and I'm sweating all the time (like right now).

We've just found an apartment and if all the paperwork goes right we should be moving in sometime next week. Crazy, you might think, but it has been surprisingly easy to find places to rent and it seems like people are even kind of desperate for two girls with jobs to move in. One man, named Mike, even called me a total of 7 times today because I'd sent him an email about his craigslist ad. His apartment was a piece of crap with only one real bedroom, but he did tell me and Sophie that we looked "handy", which I think was only hopeful on his part, and called the twice after our visit to tell me that he had information for me if I would call him back. When I did, he wanted to lower the rent for us. But it wasn't low enough.

So we will be relocating to a cute little apartment with a fake fireplace and a pantry off the side of the kitchen with two real bedrooms and a nice man named Harry who showed us around as if he were trying to rent us a cave and goes, "well it's not the best, you gotta walk up three flights of stairs, but the price is right." The price is right. I hope our credit/background checks go okay.

More New Moves

Also, I'll bet you didn't know that humping turtles and humping people sound exactly the same. Close your eyes and listen:

New Moves

I know I could use some new dance moves and it seems that otters know what's up.

SUMMER!

Because I lead such a full and busy life of luxury it seems that I have been neglecting this blog. I blame it on summer: the sun, the tan, the swimming, the brightly colored attire and the endless underboob sweating.

Here are some highlights that you might consider as suggestions for how to improve the quality of your summer:


1) Live ins are key. They have lots of free time, are willing to drink beer at nearly all times and can even be taken on runs with you when you are feeling a momentary lapse and want to act healthy.






2) Fruits. Pick them, freeze them, hug them in your tongue,
try to make ice cream with them and fail miserably, whatever
you like. They taste more refreshing than cheese.





3) I have to say that getting good and gussied up and then having way more fun at home than while sweating your ass off at a club where the music is too loud and everybody smells like BO is kind of a highlight. Though the attempts to leave the house are also noble and always seem really exciting. Until something happens like Michael Jackson dies and then everybody want so to go the same dance party you were wanted to so you can't get in but you aren't even that disappointed because it's a bunch of lame-looking straights.




4) Meat. Preferably grilled, preferably outdoors, preferably made into a sculpture that may or not be suggestive. You know, meat is quite malleable, good for sculpting.






5) Cold water swimming, though often intimidating, is refreshing and I'm told it is good for circulation. Plus it allows you to enjoy the tanning stage so much more thoroughly while still giving the impression that you are a courageous lion, or seal, depending on who you are.

Two Stupid Dogs

There is really no good reason for why I used to so enjoy this cartoon, but the fat dog is cute, the girl has an obnoxious voice and who doesn't like cheesecake?

Animal Transportation Poll

There seemed to be two camps in the last poll: those who wanted to be pulled in a red wagon by cats and those who wanted an orangutan piggyback ride. I think it's obvious in which camp I firmly remain. And this is just a prime example of why I am in awe of the orangutan:


Sumo Wrestler VS Female Orangutan - The best video clips are right here

In Celebration of Father's Day

I went on JibJab and created this video that stars my family! It's pretty hilarious.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Retraction

I am at fault. In a late March post that infuriated my sister, I spoke badly of Dan Deacon and wearing old man shoes without socks. I will admit that after listening to Bromst while writing my boring education articles, I have found it quite soothing and very interesting to listen to. Also, now that it's warm here, I find myself not only wearing slip-ons without socks, but also my unfortunate loafers, which I bought two years ago at Shoe Pavilion with the false belief that 1) they could be worn to work and 2) I would go to work. So I publicly take back my comments and I feel very happy that my sister has said that I'm cool.

Metric

Last Friday morning as I was puttering around the house, lamenting the fact that I had not bought Metric tickets before they sold out, I happened across the Mercury music blog and found that they were offering two tickets. By 11am you had to write a blog post comment on why you wanted to go. I read the responses that were currently there, and they mostly mentioned friends being in town etc. Nothing exciting. So at 10:57am I posted a comment about all the things I used to do while listening to Metric and how much I needed that level of greatness back in my life. Needless to say, I won, so Sam and I set out to see the show!!

It was rather packed, which generally leads to me watching a bunch of backs and elbows, but I did manage to score a spot where I could look between two peoples' heads. But anyway, it was exciting. Their new songs have a gentleness that persists despite quick, steady beats and heavy guitars. Emily Haines has that kind of sweet voice that you want to hear all fucked up and rough around the edges, and she delivers it. She yelled, got sweaty, chatted and danced around. I also enjoyed the lighting: harsh white, then shadowy blue, then spirally. My only complaint is that the people around us didn't dance enough. Losers.

Judge the Cut-offs

Who doesn't love judging? I know I love it. Please have a look at these photos and judge my new cut-offs. There are many things to consider: tightness, butt-shaping, length, coolness, character, style, matchability etc. Then go to the poll and choose some options. You can also judge my photo companion if you like, but that's really an entirely separate poll. Photos by noted fashion photographer, the sexy Kim Meinert.








Okay fine, some different settings and outfits:

Cut-Offs

It's summer now!! As with any abrupt change of season, it's now time to re-evaluate my wardrobe. These are my three pairs of full functioning shorts:

1) A brown pair that I bought at Target many years ago in some size I never imagined I'd wear I think 15 or so. I have to say, I don't feel like a size 15 so there's either something wrong with me or the shorts. By far the best shorts, however.

2) A bright blue pair from J.Crew, purchased by my parents for me last year that are awesome and even stretchy!! But alas, they have no back pocket and so I have to keep my keys, cellphone and wallet in the dainty, small side pockets. (This problem caused me to leave my phone on a hill in a park on 420 when I was lying down.)

3) A grey pair that are kind of like trouser shorts, but the crotch area is getting a little pilly, you know? And the waist is just a little too high. They also are a little wide leggish and so I fold the bottoms up, but then it looks sloppy because you can see the seam of the hem.

So anyway, I've decided today to cut an old pair of jeans and make some shorts. The only real problem I forsee is that I might possibly have muffin-top of the thighs and that the crotch already has holes in it. But oh well, I think it's a good look because I don't usually wear tight shorts, but I do wear tight pants so the tight cut-offs will be a nice change. I will take them a few places and take photos and up them up so you all can vote on them as a summer wardrobe inclusion or reject.

On a side note, our friend Nikki has predicted that tie-dye will be back in again. In order to get in early on this trend, Sam, Kim and I will be doing a bunch of tie-dying this weekend. The results of this endeavor as summer wardrobe inclusions or rejects may also require a poll.

On Art and Livelihood

I met with a couple of queer siblings last week who are heavily involved in the art, music and party scenes in Portland. I was interviewing them for the newspaper where I intern. We talked a lot about the various hardships involved in being an artist and trying to find a way to do what you love to support yourself (I'm certain that I don't need to list them). But I asked them what kinds of changes they thought would have to happen in peoples' attitudes towards art before being a painter or musician or writer would be an easily accessible career. And the woman said something so wonderfully simple and yet so right on:

“People need to recognize that art is nurturing and art is supportive. The first shift has to happen mentally, art is a spiritual, emotional thing that can nurture you. A painting on a wall or music in your cd player needs be looked upon with the same amount of reverence as the food in your stomach, in that kind of way."

Of course this is obvious. There are few people left untouched by some form of art, but she went with her point to say that people should be willing to pay for this kind of nourishment. That people go out and buy pants or food and pay rent without a thought, but are much less willing to pay for music, paintings, books or other forms of art that are just as necessary to a complete life. Anyway, it was a moment in which somebody put my own thoughts into an analogy that made sense. It was good to hear and I have to agree.

Adventures of the Dance Pants

I recently (like a month ago) acquired some new pants. They are the exact same kind of Levi's that my sister wears, which is very good because it means they have some room for da butt and look very cool.

Anyway, because of the excellent fit, I wore them dancing this past Friday to a gay dance party at this bar/club space called the Someday Lounge. To celebrate Sam's return to Portland, we got very drunk, put on some fab grandmother-ish big shouldered shirts and set out to have a big gay dance night of fun. Which it was, but there were some unexpected elements that were thrown in that I will now tell you all about:

1) While waiting for the MAX right by our house, a short black man approaches us and asks for a lighter. Kelly obliges him, thrilled to actually have a lighter to offer. This prompts him to invite himself along with us dancing. I reveal to this man that we are in fact going to a gay dance night, at which point he looks over me, Sam, Kim and Kelly and asks, "you are all gay?"

2) Simultaneously, another man, Jonathan, comes up. He is white with shaggy hair and is wearing a jean jacket. He mumbles some awkward phrases. Then, out of nowhere, goes "you smoke pot." He is primarily ignored.

3) The first man introduces himself as Hasan. He would like to come gay dancing. "But you know some people who are bisexual aren't liked by gays," he says and we agree that sometimes that happens, but it counts for us.

4) The MAX comes. We all get on and Jonathan mumbles his pot line again and very conspicuously shows off his bag of pot. Hasan asks if we smoke pot and I mention that we have preceeded him. I'm not sure this is a word, but he gets the point and I probably sound very confident saying the word. So Hasan gives the guy like 5 dollars and pockets the nug. Hasan asks if we'll hang out with him at this place and I say if he dances.

5) As we're getting off the MAX Hasan somehow convinces some guy with a bike to come along with us. I don't notice this until all of a sudden a man with a bike and beanie is trotting along side us. We all go into the lounge. And EVERYONE dances. At this point shaggy hair is lost. But Hasan breaks out the moves. Even Beanie Head dances. And Nikki bounces off the walls, for Nikki. There are balloons and good music and what is referred to as a"mixed" group of gays, which I only recently have begun to think of as boys and girls together.

6) Both Hasan and Beanie reveal to Kim separately that they would like to meet a man.

7) Things are going smoothly when all of a sudden Beanie knocks Kim's drink in her face while trying to swat at the balloon passing by. Kim screams. Mostly because she's surprised but Beanie thinks she's mad and goes to buy her a new drink. Kim runs upstairs to the bathroom to clean her drink off her face.

8) Both Beanie and Hasan want to know how Kim is getting home. Everybody else is dancing. There is a drag queen singing something while some regular looking girls with cliched tattooes take off too much clothing too quickly. Hasan wants to know the last time Kim as been with a man, okay well how about a black man, well okay how about a black man who is named Hasan? Gotcha. Beanie is willing to buy Kim more drinks. Kim makes Hasan leave to try to catch the MAX back to Beaverton.

9) Some kind of contest ensues. This requires dykes to come on stage and tell why they are hot and answer some basic questions from the MC. None of the dykes can think of anything they like to do except "doin' it" and "eating pussy." All of us, as dykes, and even the fags, are embarrassed for all dykes.

10) We share a cab home with some gay boys who are plotting aloud to steal our cab from us as I am getting into the cab. "Let's just get in and they won't notice," the loudmouthed one says and I invite them to come in when we realize we're both going to North Portland. The boy in the front seat won't put on his seatbelt so there is an obnoxious beep-beep, beep-beep every minute or so. The other boy is disappointed that there was so much pussy at this party and wants to know "where is all the dick." They are nice. We eat and go to bed.

At the Desk of the Career Counselor

Many of us have had a hard time finding a job recently and I'm sure I'm not the only one who has wondered if now is the time to go back to school. While I was researching cosmetology schools in Virginia yesterday (for my web writing job) I came across this blurb on the home page of a cosmetology school website. It occurred to me that my life could be much, much worse, but that perhaps it could also be greatly improved with a cosmetology degree. In Virginia.

Fantastic Sam’s,Manassas, VA -
“Before I started at Heritage, I had never completed anything in my life. I dropped out of high school and married a man who abused me and left me with nothing. I was hospitalized with severe depression. With the encouragement of the teachers and staff at Heritage, I was able to stay the course and graduate. Now I have a rewarding career working with a wonderful group of supportive people.”

Wendi Hull
Heritage Cosmetology Graduate

Toast Poll Wrap-Up

Well, toast is everyone's favorite food even if they don't know it. Because it's highly versatile and it's a great excuse to eat anything you want on it. People might not otherwise condone eating, for example, massive amounts of butter for one, but also preserves. Somehow it's a breakfast food when you mix a ton of sugar in with fruit and put it on toast, though any other means of eating it and you pretty much have a dessert.

Anyway, the results of the poll show that avocado was the most popular, followed closely by cheese and the cinnamon/sugar combo. I was surprised by the avocado, not because of the flavor (its utterly buttery deliciousness rules) but because I didn't know it was such a staple. This is something that I only began doing last year because I saw Sam do it. But I feel great knowing that there are alternative toast toppers out there. As a side note, I recently ate some brown rice with avocado mixed in with a bit-o Nancy's cottage cheese (which if you haven't had it, has live cultures and lends a yogurty tang) and the combo was satisfying in both flavor and texture.

In closing, I was only slightly disappointed that cheese toast came in second. I eat one nearly everyday. There is the hearty white cheddar on wheat or the more luxurious toasted brie on sourdough. Clearly, cheese toast is not for everyone and is hardly the epitome of a healthy breakfast. But thanks everyone for participating in a poll on one of my favorite breakfast items.

For your enjoyment:

Chopstick Tournament

So I never made a post on my birthday bonanza which was a major success! Just a few comments because I will admit that the subject is getting a little old. Of course everyone looked great and had some hairy fur going on. But the unexpected form of entertainment of the night was putting together the travel chopsticks that my mom gave me for Christmas. This was a game of speed and precision. I took on several opponents in this test of true Asian intuition and, of course, blew everyone out of the water. I attribute my abilities not to previous knowledge of the chopstick design (with which my opponents were unfamiliar), but instead to my full Asian blood!! I took down the half-Asian (Maggie, Kim declined to take part) easily and actually, John was the only one who put up a decent fight. I don't like to brag, but seeing as this is merely a testament to the natural skills provided to me by my ethnic background, I'm just stating facts. You may be wondering about this since only half of my Asians use chopsticks, but you're forgetting that the other half are natural born engineers so obviously I have the advantage. Here is one match that Kim so aptly recorded (note the rousing rendition of Hava Nagila in the background as well as my fur yarmulke):

Leslie and the Lys Show

You are standing in a sparsely gathered crowd of sparkle sweater-wearing, spandex pant-toting, big-haired individuals and somehow the sequin clip-on earring you wore to spice things up feel like a pretty lame excuse for flair. On Wednesday, Nikki, Kim and I went to see Stereo Total and Leslie and the Lys at the Wonder Ballroom. My first thought upon entering the building was that I wasn't wearing enough gold lammé. And I was relieved. Because when I had been writing up this show for the newspaper, the confluence of two French-German electro weirdos (Stereo Total) and a rapping overweight Midwestern dance diva (Leslie Hall) was ripe for a hipster showdown. But these fans were pretty earnest about their love for gem sweaters and tight stretch pants; some even presented a sense of modesty about their attire.

In any case, there was a large amount of awesomeness that provoked many laughter outbursts from yours truly. Françoise Cactus from Stereo Total played a lovely kazoo song, which was both jazzy and beach rocky. I think more people should play the kazoo. In fact, I want a kazoo so that I can write my very own kazoo diddies that will sound a million times better than my keyboard songs. But anyway, she was this totally calm, almost frumpish (she had Kermit-esque expression) opposite to Brezel Göring, who is the embodiment of that skinny, long-hair mohawked, off-the-wall crazy European man in tight pants. Plus my favorite part was that I had no idea what they were saying the entire time and they had quite a bit of banter. I'm going to say that it was because of their accents, but they might just be huge weridos.

Leslie and the Lys also provided some priceless moments, like when the Lys were suspended by harnesses in a small rolling wardrobe-like bar structure and then had to sing and dance while trying to maintain balance in this tiny little structure. They also proved to be very good at dancing with massive tiger-head hats, a feat that I one day hope to achieve. Leslie herself was fabulous in her mock-Britney circus onsey and had lots of high kicks for the audience. I also enjoyed her heavy breathing into her head mic and total disregard for those around her when she really got into the dancing. BUT, I have to say that Nikki said Leslie was the best show she'd ever seen and I have a few criticism to publicly air here:

1) I wished they had prepped the show better. I didn't want to see them pressing the spacebar on the computer to stop and start video clips while they were on stage. There was a crew person standing in the back the whole time who could have done this for them. It would have added some magic and wonder to the performance, that is lost when you see how it's all done. Plus it felt all frantic with the running across the stage to stop the iTunes and looking up files on iTunes and the abrupt stopping and starting of beats. And as Kim aptly put it, it suddenly made you realize what you were watching: and that is three girls in ridiculous outfits doing their mostly rehearsed choreographed dances to raps that are funny as hell but that probably were funnier when they were stoned in their living room making up this show. BURN!

Well, actually that is my only criticism. And I make it sound like it wasn't extraordinarily fun, which is not true because it was. But I saw their potential and I know they can do better. I think they were just resting on their laurels because they looked out, saw those gemmed audience members and knew that they were already loved. But Kim did buy a cd and we've been nodding along to it today as we waste time on the interweb. Ah, the joys.

Little Black Backpack

I really love '90s one hit wonders. Especially because I was the kind of person to buy the whole album, learn all the words, become embarrassed about it and resell the cd so that nobody would have to know about it. I heard this song on the radio today and still remembered all the words. So I'm thinking maybe a cover is in the works, anybody in?

	Stroke 9 - Little Black Backpack
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

The Cool Kids

Why do young people get to decide what's cool? They usually have such limited perspective, no sense of history and little concept of what's practical.

I've been pondering this idea of coolness since the beginning of my alt weekly internship. When you leave college or enter some kind of world in which everyone around you is no longer building an identity made out of bits of cool, it's hard work to keep up. The people I work, it's their job to keep up, to find out what's cool and then tell everyone about it, but isn't that so totally, inherently uncool? I think it may be. But then again, cool isn't cool either. It's all a big convoluted mess that I don't usually try to work out anymore, unless Sophie brings it up.

Or unless a younger sibling calls me out on it. Kim and I like to discuss how our siblings, still in their junior year of college, are way into being too cool for school. And they like to drop hints occasionally that they are disappointed with our fading coolness. Which is okay. Because I am actually not leading of the life of some hip person and there is no reason for me to pretend like I am. I wear a lab coat to work. I like to sit at home and watch Gossip Girl. In my spare time I wash dishes and clean my fishbowl to avoid studying for the GRE. I would have no place to wear top-siders (the footwear preference of our siblings) because I don't go boating and I like to wear socks. Not exactly the marks of the inexorably cool.

But in any case, both of our siblings were rather appalled that we didn't listen to Dan Deacon. Because that's how cool he is. So I had to check him out. I'm still undecided. Here is a video of his for you to judge for yourself.

Pickles

Have you ever been this afraid of an inanimate object? Wow.

Sheep

I will mention that this video is slightly sad for sheep lovers, but also cool for people who like to watch colored lights. And it's also pretty lame that it's a commercial, but what can I say: I like it.

At the Desk of the Writer

Here's something that I started last week, just so you can see what's been coming out of my head these days:

Gordon had found recently, that when he went back in his mind to find the threads of stories he'd been saving, they weren't there. Instead there was a wall. He'd walk back and forth trying to find a hole to crawl through, hoping somebody would show up and tell him what was going on. But nothing happened. Well, there are some flowers, he thought to himself, thinking that maybe he could make do with the few story materials that lay outside the wall. But all he could come up with was one lousy sentence: "The bubblegum stuck stubbornly to the red rubber ball." Gordon kicked the wall a few times. Things tend to look different when you approach then in a new way so he left to pick up some beer with Louie and Fizz at the Plaid Pantry.

Meanwhile, things inside the wall were changing. The story about the girl who lost her arm was mixing up with a story about a robotic panda who escaped from the zoo. And the list of questions that Gordon had been forming about travel (what is a travel experience? what is the ultimate point?) were rearranging themselves with his statement of anti-purpose (I live to eat the bi-products of animals that live to eat mine...). "Listen," Yalpa Lester, Gordon's most popular, most used character was saying. "I've decided, after staring at all of these lines of obvious latent homosexual poetry, that I'd like to take up with a man." The two dimensional ladies from the epic post-college trip to Mexico story waved their paper-thin arms in jealousy for a while, but eventually fell into a heap on the floor. Yalpa eyed the underdeveloped young pirate, of a series of short stories that Gordon had never completed. "So tell me," Yalpa cooed and grabbed a drink from the pirate's treasure chest. "What do you see in your future?"

On the other side of the wall Gordon was pouring Sessions down his throat. There was something about the stubby bottle mixed with the light bubbliness of that beer that felt very satisfying. Louie was batting at the kooshball that lived on the 4th finger of his left hand. It was getting really annoying.

this blog needs a post

Well friends, to be honest, I'm a little computered out. It crossed my mind that every single aspect of my life is now computerized and sometimes at the end of the day I'm just DYING to read a friggin piece of paper. So for this reason, I am absolutely certain that print will never die. It may not be the primary way for people to receive their news, for example, but pleasurable reading will never be done on the same screen where I do banking, stupid adult education web-writing, mindless internet research for my semi-hip-but-not-hip-enough internship, calendar planning and since yesterday, reading of fiction submissions. Paper is real and textured and easy on the eyes. If I could write out this blog with funny pictures and mail it to each person who I want to read it, I would do that. But I can't. I don't even really have time in which to do things to write on this blog! Sad! But not to worry. Werewolf Bar Mitzvah planning will continue and good times are on the way.

Nothing Warms the Heart Like Ukulele

this desk is also a TV room

If you haven't watched How's Your News before, it's quite fresh, endearing and good for many laughs. I wish Susan Harrington hung out with me all the time. This is the first episode and there are more at the MTV website.

How's Your News? - MTV Shows

At the Desk of the Intern

Today as I waded through the piles of digital responses to the sex survey that is an annual staple of the alternative weekly where I currently intern, it occurred to me that I know far too much about the sex lives of our readership than one person should have to carry around alone. I, of course, share this burden with other interns and select members of the staff, but I personally was the one responsible for reading through the infinite answers for the fill-in-the-blank portion of the survey. I would like to share some of the most memorable answers.

To preface: if you're not in Portland you might not know that our gay mayor is currently being investigated for his affair, about which he denied having, with a a hot, underage intern (whether they actually had "sex" while he was underage is controversial). They apparently got it on in the second floor bathroom of city hall. This is the backdrop for this year's survey, which highly features questions on ethics and public sex.

So to return to the survey: turns out quite a large number of people believe that the sexiest thing they did in 2008 was get married. Gross. The third most popular sexual fantasy, following threesomes and anal sex, was either being impregnated or doing the impregnation. Double gross. Most people think they are lame because they don't have public sex often enough and those who do, like to do it in very public places. I am now afraid of most parks in town and the bathrooms at the art museum. Triple gross. On another note, most people think that it's acceptable to sleep with people 20 years within your age range, which I thought was rather generous and possibly quadruple gross. Last, but not least, the sexual fantasy of joining the mile high club so cliche. It's a fantasy, you can choose to do anything! Use your imagination!

At the Desk of Prof. Magma

Fluorescence vs. Glow-In-The-Dark aka Phosphorescence

If you're a person who spends many hours with kids, or you yourself have kid interests, then you are familiar with the joys that can be brought by fluorescent and glow-in-the-dark objects. While picking out t-shirts or stickers at the store, have you ever asked yourself, what is the difference between these objects which are simply florescent and those which often come in the same bright colors, but glow-in-the-dark?

Well, Prof Magma is here to share shed some luminescence on the subject. Fact: both objects contain molecules that absorb photons which are emitted by UV light. Fact: both objects' molecules vibrate due to this absorption, re-emitting the light energy of these photons. Fact: both objects re-emit this energy at a longer wavelength, making it visible to our eyes and causing a glowing effect. BUT (fact): fluorescent objects re-emit this energy nearly instantly while glow-in-the-dark objects re-emit very slowly over time, creating a "charge" that produces a glow after the original light source have been removed.

So, on a non-quantum mechanics level, you now why some things glow-in-the-dark and others do not! Fabulous!

Tonight's Drink Special: Kamala Style Manhattan

I'm not really sure what goes into a real Manhattan, but I think it's stuff I like. So to begin with, here are the friends who will be going into my drink: cherries, dry vermouth, BOURBON, tonic and bitters.






So then you add the things in proportions that best suit your taste: mine calls for a drink heavy in bourbon and cherries.






And finally, you can then sit at your desk and enjoy this delicious drink while browsing youtube even though you should be working.

Inspiration Item

My 24th Birthday Theme

All thanks to Maggie.

Hot Fashion Item

This is my smoking jacket. It's also a house coat. And, yes, it was originally a fleece pajama top. But that was long ago.

I Am Afraid of Blogs

But now I have one. It's best to face fears head on.

Please check back often for juicy details on the life of the poor and not so recognizable: me.