Sophie and I are not a musical genius pair, but we know how to have a good time. We especially like reveling in our own creations. There will be a real video for this song someday, but until then, please enjoy our version of Gwen Stefani's "Serious."
Monday, December 21, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Kamala's Guide for Life #1
I wrote this piece for a contest I didn't win (what?) and so I'm posting it here. I find it both wildly entertaining and extremely useful. Look for more columns to come.
How To Discuss Your Mundane Life So As To Lead Others To Believe It’s Actually Quite Exciting
1) Insinuate that everything you do is fun and interesting.
The fact is that most people get out of bed in the morning, have some semblance of breakfast and go to a sort of job. But these activities, for you, can be an adventure. Do not feel sheepish about mentioning the trail of ants that crawl across your bathroom floor, that you must be careful not to let into your underpants when you pee in the morning. Share with people the useless facts you’ve learned from staring, every morning as you take this pee, at the “Geography of the West Coast” poster tacked on the wall. Others will invariably wish they knew in which direction the Juan de Fuca Plate will move in the next hundred thousand years. “It could cause the reactivation of numerous dormant volcanoes in the Cascade range any day now,” you should casually relay. People tend to find volcanoes quite exciting and it’s this high level of excitement that greets you every morning.
2) Mention all of the people in your life.
Everything sounds much more exciting when it’s full of characters: friends, lovers, crushes, archenemies, despicable scammers, whomever. Much in the same way that three is a crowd, four can be a party and parties are very exciting. So when speaking about your weekend, the one spent on the couch watching TV with your boring family, simply turn it into a gathering: “Oh, well it had been ages so Lisa, Dan, Artie, Susan and I all got together for some live entertainment.” Throw in the names of pets if you want to emphasize that you have very alternative friends: “I just love Fang, what a diva.” Generally, using just first names gives people a celebrity appeal and implies that others should know who they are. They tend not to ask too many prying questions so as not to seem out of the loop and your celeb-filled life will shimmer with excitement.
3) Share some personal advice.
People with conventionally exciting lives are always regaling crowds with useless pieces of information that go something like this: “Next time you’re in Zambia, don’t get breakfast from the locals unless you’re prepared for a fishy experience, you know what I mean?” But you’ve also had some unique experiences that might even have some relevance to the lives of others in your vicinity. “Next time you’re handling chili peppers, be sure to wash your hands before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. That oil sure stings more than you’d think.” All of a sudden, those burning sensations you withstood in your mundane, nightly dinner preparation for one, transform into a humorous, exciting event. Insert a word or two on your successes in cooling the burns by sloppily applying yogurt to your face and other orifices, and you’ve got a truly exciting, valuable package of advice.
4) Allow others to believe that you have an active sex life.
There is no need to lie, but people are always looking to draw conclusions where they can, and there is no reason to stop them. If you’re looking particularly disheveled one morning due to an all-night, online Gossip Girl marathon, excuse yourself with: “You know it was just one of those nights where I couldn’t get enough.” Typically, others will assume you’re speaking of sex and will either drop the subject or ask for more. Which you can give them: “Sometimes I think it’s juvenile to be so hooked, but Serena (or your character of choice) just does it for me. I’d given up on blondes for good before she came around.” You can then ask the other person about their current sexual situation, which may lead back to #3, sharing some personal advice. On the excitement scale, few things trump sex, even if discussed only through innuendo.
5) Talk up your most outlandish plans and dreams.
Though you may currently spend several hours each day examining your leg stubble and summarizing the content of college and university websites for pay, what remains exciting is the idea that some day you may not. It doesn’t matter that you will, in fact, never be in a successful rock band called Lisa Loeb and the Bloody Nipple, or that you are far too lazy to complete that life-size sculpture of your mom in ground beef, or that your attempts to learn Dutch amount to one podcast entitled “Jan Loves You in Dutch.” The notion that you are an inspired person, a person with intentions who might go places, this breeds excitement. Confidently describe your ambition to build a boat from scratch and sail it to India, where you aim to end both domestic violence and hunger through song. The mere suggestion that you have considered such dreams, is guaranteed to dress up the most mundane of lives in colorful excitement.
How To Discuss Your Mundane Life So As To Lead Others To Believe It’s Actually Quite Exciting
1) Insinuate that everything you do is fun and interesting.
The fact is that most people get out of bed in the morning, have some semblance of breakfast and go to a sort of job. But these activities, for you, can be an adventure. Do not feel sheepish about mentioning the trail of ants that crawl across your bathroom floor, that you must be careful not to let into your underpants when you pee in the morning. Share with people the useless facts you’ve learned from staring, every morning as you take this pee, at the “Geography of the West Coast” poster tacked on the wall. Others will invariably wish they knew in which direction the Juan de Fuca Plate will move in the next hundred thousand years. “It could cause the reactivation of numerous dormant volcanoes in the Cascade range any day now,” you should casually relay. People tend to find volcanoes quite exciting and it’s this high level of excitement that greets you every morning.
2) Mention all of the people in your life.
Everything sounds much more exciting when it’s full of characters: friends, lovers, crushes, archenemies, despicable scammers, whomever. Much in the same way that three is a crowd, four can be a party and parties are very exciting. So when speaking about your weekend, the one spent on the couch watching TV with your boring family, simply turn it into a gathering: “Oh, well it had been ages so Lisa, Dan, Artie, Susan and I all got together for some live entertainment.” Throw in the names of pets if you want to emphasize that you have very alternative friends: “I just love Fang, what a diva.” Generally, using just first names gives people a celebrity appeal and implies that others should know who they are. They tend not to ask too many prying questions so as not to seem out of the loop and your celeb-filled life will shimmer with excitement.
3) Share some personal advice.
People with conventionally exciting lives are always regaling crowds with useless pieces of information that go something like this: “Next time you’re in Zambia, don’t get breakfast from the locals unless you’re prepared for a fishy experience, you know what I mean?” But you’ve also had some unique experiences that might even have some relevance to the lives of others in your vicinity. “Next time you’re handling chili peppers, be sure to wash your hands before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. That oil sure stings more than you’d think.” All of a sudden, those burning sensations you withstood in your mundane, nightly dinner preparation for one, transform into a humorous, exciting event. Insert a word or two on your successes in cooling the burns by sloppily applying yogurt to your face and other orifices, and you’ve got a truly exciting, valuable package of advice.
4) Allow others to believe that you have an active sex life.
There is no need to lie, but people are always looking to draw conclusions where they can, and there is no reason to stop them. If you’re looking particularly disheveled one morning due to an all-night, online Gossip Girl marathon, excuse yourself with: “You know it was just one of those nights where I couldn’t get enough.” Typically, others will assume you’re speaking of sex and will either drop the subject or ask for more. Which you can give them: “Sometimes I think it’s juvenile to be so hooked, but Serena (or your character of choice) just does it for me. I’d given up on blondes for good before she came around.” You can then ask the other person about their current sexual situation, which may lead back to #3, sharing some personal advice. On the excitement scale, few things trump sex, even if discussed only through innuendo.
5) Talk up your most outlandish plans and dreams.
Though you may currently spend several hours each day examining your leg stubble and summarizing the content of college and university websites for pay, what remains exciting is the idea that some day you may not. It doesn’t matter that you will, in fact, never be in a successful rock band called Lisa Loeb and the Bloody Nipple, or that you are far too lazy to complete that life-size sculpture of your mom in ground beef, or that your attempts to learn Dutch amount to one podcast entitled “Jan Loves You in Dutch.” The notion that you are an inspired person, a person with intentions who might go places, this breeds excitement. Confidently describe your ambition to build a boat from scratch and sail it to India, where you aim to end both domestic violence and hunger through song. The mere suggestion that you have considered such dreams, is guaranteed to dress up the most mundane of lives in colorful excitement.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Apartment Views
Being on the third floor, our apartment offers grand views of the neighborhood that are unparalleled. Just a normal morning at our place. This lady is trying to jog with her dog, I take it, but apparently it's just not working.
Lezzie Music Poll Wrap-up
According to my poll, it turns out Sarah Mclachlan is the biggest lesbian indicator of them all! More than even Lisa Loeb (whose mopey apartment video I sort of want to recreate) or Meredith Brooks (who got only 1 vote). I will admit that I'm surprised, but maybe this speaks more to the lovely lezzies who vote in my poll than anything else. Sam did mention that there could be a kind or rating system invovled, like, if you know all the words to all five songs (uhum, Maggie) then you've got a serious case of lesbian. Anyway, fun times.
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